Afghanistan Shocker: Taliban Training Killer "Monkey Soldiers"

And now a tale of the challenge that the US and international forces face in Afghanistan....

Recently a "British-based media agency" --- one we are still trying to track down --- put out a press release that its reporters had spotted and photographed  "monkey soldiers" holding AK-47 rifles and Bren light machine guns in the Waziristan tribal region near the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. American experts were warning of the "monkey terrorists".

Chinese media were lured in by the press release and soon its reports of the new Killer Monkey phenomenon were racing across the Web. By 9 July, the story was in China's English-language People's Daily, complete with this military analysis:

The emergence of "monkey soldiers" is the result of asymmetrical warfare. The United States launched the war in Afghanistan using the world's most advanced weapons such as highly-intelligent robots to detect bombs on roadsides and unmanned aerial vehicles to attack major Taliban targets. In response, the Taliban forces have tried any possible means and figured out a method to train monkeys as "replacement killers" against American troops.

This claim was backed up by the revelation --- well, new to me at least --- that "between the 1960s and the 1970s, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) trained massive 'monkey soldiers' in the Vietnam War and dispatched armed monkeys to dangerous jungles to launch assaults on Vietnamese soldiers". The report added a bit of monkey- and other creature-related psychological warfare:

Analysts believe that apart from using "monkey killers" to attack the American troops, the Taliban also sought to arouse Western animal protectionists to pressure their governments to withdraw troops from Afghanistan.

And, at the end, there was even philosophical reflection: "When armed animals enter interpersonal wars, what kind of world will we face? This cannot but arouse our reflections and concerns."

All quite amusing --- or frightening? --- but surely that was the end of the Monkey Line.

No. Dallas Blog went beyond its normal Texas market to ponder, "If President Barack Obama withdraws from the war in Afghanistan, he would be the first commander-in-chief in American history to surrender to an army of monkeys; and we’re not talking about fighting the Planet of the Apes." The very-conservative "Gateway Pundit" blog (Where Hope Finally Made a Comeback") greeted the news with an "Allahu Akbar!".

Suddenly the New York Post was declaring "Jihad Monkey!" A NATO spokesman was having to say on the record, “We have absolutely nothing that leads us to believe that this tale could be even remotely based in reality,” while a specialist on primates was brought in for this wondrous pondering:

While you could train a monkey to shoot a gun, I certainly wouldn’t want to be anywhere in the neighborhood after that. I rather doubt you could trust its aim....

But in all cases, they are trained and reinforced by giving them food treats. So the Taliban would definitely have to bring along a large supply of bananas to keep up the morale of their monkey troops.

Readers were split between those with genuine warnings of the new monkey military threat, those were confused, and those who saw an opportunity for a laugh. But the end of this Monkey's Tale awaited the concise analysis of "Eliza"....

"It's gorilla warfare!"

Iran's Haircuts Special: The Revenge of the Mullets

There has been tremendous interest in our coverage of Iran's new guidelines for appropriate haircuts for men, identifying transgressors such as Imam Ali, Shi'a Islam's first Imam.

Well, our EA hair correspondents --- always a cut above the rest --- have this update. It appears that a Million Mullet Army (mullet: a hairstyle that is short at the front and sides and long behind) is being formed to put the case for the men's look that is "business in the front, party in the back".



There are some powerful backers of this hirsute challenge. It's high times again for US musical icon ("Achy Breaky Heart") Billy Ray Cyrus, a.k.a. Hannah Montana's Dad:

Proving that England footballers still have some purpose in life, Mr Chris Waddle is on-board:


But the heartbeat (hair-pulse?) of this movement is, of course, Mr and Mrs America (joined by Little Androgynous Child America):

Iran's New Haircut Law: First Culprit Identified!

On Monday, EA helped break the news that Iran's Ministry of Culture and Islamic Guidance had unveiled the "proper" haircuts that should be sported by Iranian men:



Now EA's hard-working Iranian correspondents bring you an exclusive. The Iranian authorities have already posted a photograph of the first rule-breaker....



The suspect, we understand, is one Imam Ali. So far, it is unknown whether Iranian officials will accept the defense that, since the accused is the first Shi'a Imam, he might know a thing or two about whether shoulder-length hair and Islam can live together peacefully.

EA's 4th of July Special: Man Who Fought For Americans' Rights Demands Americans Stop Exercising Their Rights

A special report from The Onion (and best wishes from EA to US readers for Independence Day):

Speaking before the U.S. Senate Tuesday, Herbert Macallum, a retired Wichita, KS, insurance salesman and Navy veteran who fought during World War II to protect the inalienable rights of all Americans, demanded that U.S. citizens stop exercising those rights.

"As someone who risked his life for this country, I am infuriated when I see protesters exercising their First Amendment rights by burning the U.S. flag," Macallum told legislators during a Senate debate over a proposed anti-flag-burning amendment. "I didn't fight the Japanese at Midway to save democracy for a bunch of long-haired jerks who want to freely express their views."

"I love the Constitution, and I nearly lost my life defending it," Macallum added. "That's why it angers me so much to see malcontents exploiting it for their own purposes."

Macallum is president of the Kansas Veterans' Council for Liberty & Restraint, one of a number of veterans' organizations calling upon Congress to pass anti-rights-use legislation. Under the provisions of the proposed legislation, any U.S. citizen convicted of exercising his or her Constitutional rights in a manner deemed controversial would face a fine and/or imprisonment.

Said KVCLR member Walter Mickleson, 81: "Wherever you look today, you see people using the First Amendment to openly criticize or protest the U.S. government. I don't think that's what the framers of the Constitution had in mind. And I, for one, didn't storm the beach at Normandy so I could see America dragged through the mud."

Read rest of article....

World Cup Comedy: SoccerBall is a Socialist Sport (Thiessen)

Marc Thiessen --- one of the speechwriters in the George W. Bush Administration, who parlayed his loud defence of "enhanced interrogation" into a book and the position of Washington Post columnist --- tries his hand at a stand-up comedy routine on "soccer". (Actually, he sampled this from an even funnier piece posted on the right-wing American Thinker, but hey, the best comedians draw from each other.)

I mean, he is joking, right?

World Cup Special: It’s Mourning in England (Matlin)

....The world is crazy for soccer, but most Americans don’t give a hoot about the sport. Why? Many years ago, my former White House colleague Bill McGurn pointed out to me the real reason soccer hasn’t caught on in the good old U.S.A. It’s simple, really: Soccer is a socialist sport.

Think about it. Soccer is the only sport in the world where you cannot use the one tool that distinguishes man from beast: opposable thumbs. “No hands” is a rule only a European statist could love. (In fact, with the web of high taxes and regulations that tie the hands of European entrepreneurs, “no hands” kind of describes their economic theories as well.)

Soccer is also the only sport in the world that has “hooligans”—proletarian mobs that trash private property whenever their team loses.

Soccer is collectivist. At this year’s World Cup, the French national team actually went on strike in the middle of the tournament on the eve of an elimination match. (Yes, capitalist sports have experienced labor disputes, but can you imagine a Major League Baseball team going on strike in the middle of the World Series?)

At the youth level, soccer teams don’t even keep score and everyone gets a participation trophy. Can you say, “From each according to his ability…”? (The fact that they do keep score later on is the only thing that prevents soccer from being a Communist sport.)

Capitalist sports are exciting—people often hit each other, sometimes even score. Soccer fans are excited by an egalitarian 0-0 tie. When soccer powerhouses Brazil and Portugal met recently at the World Cup, they played for 90 minutes—and combined got just eight shots on net (and zero goals). Contrast this with the most exciting sports moment last week, which came not at the World Cup, but at Wimbledon, when American John Isner won in a fifth-set victory that went 70-68. Yes, even tennis is more exciting than soccer. Like an overcast day in East Berlin, soccer is … boring.

And finally, have you seen the World Cup trophy? It looks like an Emmy Award (and everyone knows that Hollywood is socialist).

There are many more reasons soccer and socialism go hand in hand. You can read some of them here. Perhaps in the age of President Obama, soccer will finally catch on in America. But I suspect that socializing Americans’ taste in sports may be a tougher task than socializing our healthcare system.