Journalism 101: Today's Awards for Incisive Comment

HONOURABLE MENTION: THE ALL IS WELL IN IRAQ COMMENT

Marine Captain Giles Clarke writes in The New York Times of running a half-marathon in Baghdad:

As I sprinted across the finish line, though, I knew it was all for a greater good. I knew that I was contributing to something much bigger than myself. How did I know this? I just ran a half-marathon in Baghdad.

Totally Irrelevant Fact (1):

Three bombings targeting Iraqi government employees and the U.S.-fortified Green Zone killed at least 20 people and left scores wounded Monday.

Totally Irrelevant Fact (2):

Number of US military personnel who ran the half-marathon: More than 200
Number of Iraqis who ran the half-marathon: 0

BRONZE MEDAL: I LOVE YOU, YES, I DO COMMENT

David Ignatius gets misty-eyed over Condoleezza Rice in The Washington Post:

Condoleezza Rice may be the most disciplined person in this town of workaholics. She has always been the perfect young woman, pleasing and impressing others.

Dave's Afterthought:

Now the issue of U.S.-Iranian relations will be handed over to the Obama administration. "We ran out of time," says one administration official.

The Question Dave Did Not Ask Condi:

Why?

SILVER MEDAL: THE BETTER LATE THAN NEVER COMMENT

The Washington Post celebrates Presidential justice:

THE BUSH administration acted fairly and responsibly this week in deciding to release Osama bin Laden's former driver from the U.S. Naval Base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and return him to his home country of Yemen.

Suggestion made by The Post:

The White House has another opportunity to do the right thing, this time in the case of 17 Chinese Uighurs held at Guantanamo.

Suggestion not made by The Post:

Anything to do with the other 235 detainees at Camp X-Ray

GOLD MEDAL: THE TRIBUTE TO CONSERVAPEDIA COMMENT

In The Washington Post, George Will joins Conservapedia's vigilant defence against Dangerous Professors, reviewing Stanley Fish's book, Save the World on Your Own Time:

Fish's advocacy of a banal proscription -- of explicit political preaching in classrooms -- may have made him anathema to academia's infantile left. The shrewder left will, however, welcome his book because it denies or defends other politicizations of academia that are less blatant but more prevalent and consequential -- those concerning hiring and curricula.

For those who can't quite make it through that paragraph, here is Conservapedia's translation:

Professor values are currently one of the most prevalent forms of Liberal indoctrination.

Why We Love Conservapedia: On Guard Against Atheists (and Liberals)

As the guardian of all things truthful against "liberal bias", Conservapedia would be expected to defend us from the scourge of atheism. Still you have to admire the tenacity of the fight as it identifies "Atheism and Communism", "Atheism and Mass Murder", and "Targeting of Young People by Atheists on the Internet".

One contributor was so diligent that he identified a medical condition suffered only by atheists:

''Atheistic fluff'' is a medical condition suffered by atheists.

As a consequency of renouncing God and accepting atheistic doctrines such as evolution, atheists often develop a layer of downy fluff, covering the groin, buttocks, and in some extreme cases, the face. -
-
Charles Darwin developed a severe case of atheistic fluff, covering most of his body, after publishing ''The Origin of Species''. Some critics believe that Michael Moore may be suffering from atheistic fluff, despite his claim to be a Christian.


Darwin in an advanced stage of atheistic fluff

Atheistic fluff can be cured through abstinence, prayer and Bible study.-

Unfortunately, Conservapedia editors had an unexpected attack of caution and deleted this important medical evidence. On the other hand, they have maintained their vigilance against the related condition "Liberal Fluff", the entry for which reads:

Liberal fluffers are employed extensively in the entertainment industry in Hollywood, where they promote Hollywood values.

And speaking of liberals, Conservapedia has a helpful guide to their devious "Liberal Tools" , which apparently include:

1. Deceit
2. Halitosis.
3. Mumbling.
4. Interrupting speakers
5. Eating with their mouth open.
6. Holding conservatives to a higher standard than they hold themselves.
7. Bullying.
8. Hypnosis.
9. Censorship.
10. Custard.
11. Capturing and misleading youth.
12. Sowing division among conservatives, such as atheists complaining that one particular prayer
might offend someone of another religion.
13. Desensitization.
14. "Jamming", by Bob Marley.
15. Conversion.
16. Undermining religion.
17. Mocking conservative science.
18. Portraying criminals and miscreants as being conservative when, in fact, they are not.
19. Dismissing valid conservative criticism for no reason.
20. Knocking on doors and then running away.
21. Using the term "Karajou" as a pejorative.
22. Insisting on "globalist" terms and phrasing to the detriment of American English and meanings. This
is an anti-American effort to promote "one worldism."
23. Poisonous frogs.
24. The Gay Bomb.
25. Liberace.

Why We Love Conservapedia: The Muslim Barack Obama

We find a sense of humour at Conservapedia, our bulwark against liberal bias --- "the truth shall set you free".

The entry for Barack Obama reads, "President-elect Obama could become the first Muslim President, and may be sworn into office at his inauguration on January 20, 2009, using the Koran."

(The editors even put up a supposed source for this "fact", which on closer examination is a Christian Science Monitor article headlined, "At swearing in, congressman wants to carry Koran. Outrage ensues." Only the sharp-eyed would notice that Barack Obama on Inauguration Day will no longer be a Congressman, and that the story actually refers to Democratic Representative Keith Ellison of Minnesota.)

Some very po-faced readers, citing accuracy, credibility, blah blah blah, keep trying to modify the entry --- at least to the extent of taking the Koran bit out --- but the editors are dogged enough to keep restoring the humourous parody.

So, kudos to y'all at Conservapedia! The Onion would be proud of you.

Why We Love Conservapedia: The Exploding Koala

Australian animals have always been a source of controversy on Conservapedia, as the dedicated finder of the truth (in the face of liberal bias) tilts towards a creationist explanation for the existence of kangaroos and koalas.

This has brought the side benefit of some creative editing. At various points in the article's history, koalas have "degenerated into sleepy, gum-leaf chewing opiate addicts as a result of human sinfulness" (31 March 2007), been "arriving from the middle east [to] set up kebab shops in western Sydney" (5 May 2007), and leave droppings which "become saturated with the volatile terpene and [are] combined with kangaroo fat to produce a gel used to make the Aboriginal kokanut, an insect-repellent torch" (17 December 2007).

The classic description, however, remains this factual summary from 9 May 2007:

Owing to their diet of eucalyptus leaves, which contain a volatile oil, Koalas are highly flammable and frequently burst into flame spontaneously.

Why We Love Conservapedia: Melchester

We have always been fans of Conservapedia, created in 2006 as an alternative to the "liberal bias" of extremist sites like Wikipedia.  

Why? Possibly because in its service to "those seeking the truth", it is able to dismiss those truths that are inconvenient, stigmatise any views that are not suitably conservative, and never flag in its belief that any alternative to its definitions must be "corruption by liberal untruths".

In particular, however, we admired Conservapedia in its early days because it was possible to place quite creative entries. One of the best, perhaps second only to the exposition on the exploding koala. was the detailed description of Melchester, a flourishing town in central England.

We are honoured to reprint the entry. Readers who are unfamiliar with British culture can refer to “footnotes” (which, of course, were not part of the original) at the bottom of the item.

Melchester

Melchester[1] (population 185,000) is an industrial city in the east Midlands of England. It is noted for the manufacture of motor vehicles, bicycles and prophylactics. Natives of Melchester are known as Melcastrians. The city has a traditional rivalry with Yorkshire town Trumpton[2].

Topography

The city lies 15 miles to the north west of Leicester, 20 miles east of Derby and 10 miles south of Nottingham on the River Mel, an important tributary of the Trent.

History

A Roman encampment (Melcastrum) was established on the site in the first century AD. By the 11th century Melchester had become an important market town and the seat of the Prince-Bishops of Melchester. The 13th century Melchester Cathedral, built in the Gothic style, has the longest transept of any English church. The cathedral had many of its fine stained glass windows and statuary destroyed by the army of Oliver Cromwell during the English Civil War. The Cathedral Library holds the Codex Melcastrensis dating from the early twelfth century and one of the oldest collections of canon law extant in England if not the world.

Lord Melchett[3], principal advisor to Queen Elizabeth I, took his title from the town (though his principal residence was in Buckinghamshire).

During the Industrial Revolution the town's population grew rapidly as workers left the surrounding countryside to seek employment in the many factories and mills which had been established on the banks of the Mel. This development of its industrial base was aided by the canalisation of part of the River Mel in the 1780s (linking it to the central England canal system), and confirmed by the opening of a connection to the Midland Railway trunk line in 1843.

The city is now an important junction on the London to Scotland East coast line. It continues to be supported by numerous productive villages in the Mel Valley, including Melby and Melsea[4], both part of the burgeoning British music industry in the 1990s (the two became one[5] town in 1999), and the rapidly-expanding Melsmyth[6]. The area, with its substantial sheep-farming community, is also renowned for the plaintive bark of the Melland Collie[7] dog.

Melchester was granted city status in 1911 by King George V.[8]

As a result of its industrial importance Melchester was heavily bombed by the Luftwaffe during World War II. Miraculously, despite the heavy bombing and the destruction of many surrounding buildings, the Cathedral remained unscathed apart from some damage to the roof of the 14th century Chapter House. At the time many Melcastrians, including the Dean of the Cathedral, attributed this deliverance to the intervention of St Osric, the first Bishop of Melchester and patron saint of the city and diocese of Melchester.

Population and Politics

The populace is mainly indigenous English although there are significant Irish, Polish, Pakistani, Indian and Afro-Caribbean communities. The city has long been held up as a model of integration and multi-culturalism. Nick Griffin socialist Member of Parliament for Melchester North was awarded the freedom of the city in recognition of his tireless efforts in the cause of integration and racial equality[9].

The city returns three MPs to the British Parliament at Westminster - two Labour and one Liberal Democrat. The city council has currently an overall Labour majority.

Education

Melchester is home to a university (the University of Melchester) and a college of art and design (the Rolf Harris School of Art[10]). The Theological College[11] (established 1598) merged with the University in 1992 and is now part of its Faculty of Divinity.

Sport

The city is proud to be the base of Melchester Rovers FC who have won the European Cup four times - a record for any English club. The manager is former player Roy Race who has held the position for twenty five years - currently (2007) the longest serving manager in English football[12].

Every June the Melchester Guild Hall hosts the World Pocket billiards[13] Championship.

Famous Melcastrians  

Professor Stephen Hawking (mathematician and astrophysicist)
Tommy Cooper (comedian and conjurer)
Saint Osric the Noble (first Bishop of Melchester)
Roy Race (footballer)[14]
Alf Tupper (athlete)[15]
Reg Varney (actor and comedian)
Peter Glaze (actor)
Norah Batty (actress)[16]
Keith Harris and Orville (ventriloquist)
Bonnie Langford (dancer and actress)
Natasha Kaplinsky (TV presenter and journalist)
Sir Oswald Mosley (founder of the British Union of Fascists)
Bishop William Turnbull (founder of Glasgow University)
Sir Denis Thatcher (husband of Margaret Thatcher)
Sir John Betjeman (Poet Laureate)

Twin Towns

Horst Wessel[17], Germany
Rennes-le-Château[18], France
Fulchester[19], New Zealand
Czezny-Oks[20], Poland
San Ipad[21], Bolivia

Trivia

One night in 1965, after a concert at the city's Guild Hall, the singer songwriter and member of the Beatles John Lennon wrote the song Hey Jude in his suite at the Grand Hotel, Melchester. The Guild Hall was also the last venue at which Peter Glaze appeared (as 'Buttons' in Cinderella) before his death in 1983.

"Footnotes"

1. Melchester is a fictional town first featuring in Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy but also the name of a town in a boys' comic strip called Roy of the Rovers about a footballing hero who plays for Melchester Rovers


2. Trumpton is a fictional town featured in a claymation children's TV series


3. In the televison series Blackadder II set in Elizabethan England, Lord Melchett the Lord Chamberlain is Blackadder's arch rival


4. Mel B. and Mel C. - two of the Spice Girls


5. 2 Become 1 - Spice Girls hit from 1996


6. Mel Smith is a portly British comedian


7. Melland Collie - Pun on melancholy


8. If it had a cathedral, it would have been a city since medieval times


9. Nick Griffin is chairman of the British Nationalist Party a right-wing, anti-immigration party


10. Rolf Harris is a television personality known for his rapid paintings and humorous songs, often with Australian themes


11. In Thomas Hardy's Novel Jude the Obscure, Jude studies at Melchester Theological College


12. All references to the Roy of the Rovers comic strip and the fictional record of Melchester Rovers F.C. However, in reality Liverpool F.C actually has won the European Cup five times.


13. Pocket billiards is a euphemism for masturbation


14. The fictional eponymous hero of Roy of the Rovers


15. Another character from 1950s-1990s boys comics


16. A fictional wrinkle-stockinged housewife in TV sitcom Last Of The Summer Wine


17. Horst Wessel was a Nazi activist who wrote the Nazi Party anthem


18. A small village in southern France notable for its part in The Holy Blood and The Holy Grail books


19. Fulchester is a fictional town first used in the TV series Crown Court but later adopted by the adult-humour comic Viz as the place where many of its cartoon strips are situated.


20. Chesney Hawkes, English singer songwriter


21. Sanipad, sanitary hospital bed linen also shorthand for sanitary pads

(Thanks to The Information Warrior's Handbook)