Fact x Importance = News: If Only the New York Times Were Real

Here's the front page of the "New York Times" handed out to commuters on Wednesday:

OK, OK, it's the work of "pranksters" --- the word used by the supposedly-authentic New York Times --- but can't I just hold on for a moment to "The Iraq War Ends" and "Nation Builds Sane Economy" as real?

After all, it's not like the supposedly-authentic New York Times hasn't dabbled in a bit of fake news. (I know, you're way ahead of me.) Which do you prefer: Wednesday's front page or the one by Judith Miller on the Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction?

I like the poodle best

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-A-KcMiVtc[/youtube]

Amnesty International reveals the hitherto unknown talents of monsieurs Putin, Bush and Ahmadinejad. [via Very Short List]

Why We Love Conservapedia: Melchester

We have always been fans of Conservapedia, created in 2006 as an alternative to the "liberal bias" of extremist sites like Wikipedia.  

Why? Possibly because in its service to "those seeking the truth", it is able to dismiss those truths that are inconvenient, stigmatise any views that are not suitably conservative, and never flag in its belief that any alternative to its definitions must be "corruption by liberal untruths".

In particular, however, we admired Conservapedia in its early days because it was possible to place quite creative entries. One of the best, perhaps second only to the exposition on the exploding koala. was the detailed description of Melchester, a flourishing town in central England.

We are honoured to reprint the entry. Readers who are unfamiliar with British culture can refer to “footnotes” (which, of course, were not part of the original) at the bottom of the item.

Melchester

Melchester[1] (population 185,000) is an industrial city in the east Midlands of England. It is noted for the manufacture of motor vehicles, bicycles and prophylactics. Natives of Melchester are known as Melcastrians. The city has a traditional rivalry with Yorkshire town Trumpton[2].

Topography

The city lies 15 miles to the north west of Leicester, 20 miles east of Derby and 10 miles south of Nottingham on the River Mel, an important tributary of the Trent.

History

A Roman encampment (Melcastrum) was established on the site in the first century AD. By the 11th century Melchester had become an important market town and the seat of the Prince-Bishops of Melchester. The 13th century Melchester Cathedral, built in the Gothic style, has the longest transept of any English church. The cathedral had many of its fine stained glass windows and statuary destroyed by the army of Oliver Cromwell during the English Civil War. The Cathedral Library holds the Codex Melcastrensis dating from the early twelfth century and one of the oldest collections of canon law extant in England if not the world.

Lord Melchett[3], principal advisor to Queen Elizabeth I, took his title from the town (though his principal residence was in Buckinghamshire).

During the Industrial Revolution the town's population grew rapidly as workers left the surrounding countryside to seek employment in the many factories and mills which had been established on the banks of the Mel. This development of its industrial base was aided by the canalisation of part of the River Mel in the 1780s (linking it to the central England canal system), and confirmed by the opening of a connection to the Midland Railway trunk line in 1843.

The city is now an important junction on the London to Scotland East coast line. It continues to be supported by numerous productive villages in the Mel Valley, including Melby and Melsea[4], both part of the burgeoning British music industry in the 1990s (the two became one[5] town in 1999), and the rapidly-expanding Melsmyth[6]. The area, with its substantial sheep-farming community, is also renowned for the plaintive bark of the Melland Collie[7] dog.

Melchester was granted city status in 1911 by King George V.[8]

As a result of its industrial importance Melchester was heavily bombed by the Luftwaffe during World War II. Miraculously, despite the heavy bombing and the destruction of many surrounding buildings, the Cathedral remained unscathed apart from some damage to the roof of the 14th century Chapter House. At the time many Melcastrians, including the Dean of the Cathedral, attributed this deliverance to the intervention of St Osric, the first Bishop of Melchester and patron saint of the city and diocese of Melchester.

Population and Politics

The populace is mainly indigenous English although there are significant Irish, Polish, Pakistani, Indian and Afro-Caribbean communities. The city has long been held up as a model of integration and multi-culturalism. Nick Griffin socialist Member of Parliament for Melchester North was awarded the freedom of the city in recognition of his tireless efforts in the cause of integration and racial equality[9].

The city returns three MPs to the British Parliament at Westminster - two Labour and one Liberal Democrat. The city council has currently an overall Labour majority.

Education

Melchester is home to a university (the University of Melchester) and a college of art and design (the Rolf Harris School of Art[10]). The Theological College[11] (established 1598) merged with the University in 1992 and is now part of its Faculty of Divinity.

Sport

The city is proud to be the base of Melchester Rovers FC who have won the European Cup four times - a record for any English club. The manager is former player Roy Race who has held the position for twenty five years - currently (2007) the longest serving manager in English football[12].

Every June the Melchester Guild Hall hosts the World Pocket billiards[13] Championship.

Famous Melcastrians  

Professor Stephen Hawking (mathematician and astrophysicist)
Tommy Cooper (comedian and conjurer)
Saint Osric the Noble (first Bishop of Melchester)
Roy Race (footballer)[14]
Alf Tupper (athlete)[15]
Reg Varney (actor and comedian)
Peter Glaze (actor)
Norah Batty (actress)[16]
Keith Harris and Orville (ventriloquist)
Bonnie Langford (dancer and actress)
Natasha Kaplinsky (TV presenter and journalist)
Sir Oswald Mosley (founder of the British Union of Fascists)
Bishop William Turnbull (founder of Glasgow University)
Sir Denis Thatcher (husband of Margaret Thatcher)
Sir John Betjeman (Poet Laureate)

Twin Towns

Horst Wessel[17], Germany
Rennes-le-Château[18], France
Fulchester[19], New Zealand
Czezny-Oks[20], Poland
San Ipad[21], Bolivia

Trivia

One night in 1965, after a concert at the city's Guild Hall, the singer songwriter and member of the Beatles John Lennon wrote the song Hey Jude in his suite at the Grand Hotel, Melchester. The Guild Hall was also the last venue at which Peter Glaze appeared (as 'Buttons' in Cinderella) before his death in 1983.

"Footnotes"

1. Melchester is a fictional town first featuring in Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy but also the name of a town in a boys' comic strip called Roy of the Rovers about a footballing hero who plays for Melchester Rovers


2. Trumpton is a fictional town featured in a claymation children's TV series


3. In the televison series Blackadder II set in Elizabethan England, Lord Melchett the Lord Chamberlain is Blackadder's arch rival


4. Mel B. and Mel C. - two of the Spice Girls


5. 2 Become 1 - Spice Girls hit from 1996


6. Mel Smith is a portly British comedian


7. Melland Collie - Pun on melancholy


8. If it had a cathedral, it would have been a city since medieval times


9. Nick Griffin is chairman of the British Nationalist Party a right-wing, anti-immigration party


10. Rolf Harris is a television personality known for his rapid paintings and humorous songs, often with Australian themes


11. In Thomas Hardy's Novel Jude the Obscure, Jude studies at Melchester Theological College


12. All references to the Roy of the Rovers comic strip and the fictional record of Melchester Rovers F.C. However, in reality Liverpool F.C actually has won the European Cup five times.


13. Pocket billiards is a euphemism for masturbation


14. The fictional eponymous hero of Roy of the Rovers


15. Another character from 1950s-1990s boys comics


16. A fictional wrinkle-stockinged housewife in TV sitcom Last Of The Summer Wine


17. Horst Wessel was a Nazi activist who wrote the Nazi Party anthem


18. A small village in southern France notable for its part in The Holy Blood and The Holy Grail books


19. Fulchester is a fictional town first used in the TV series Crown Court but later adopted by the adult-humour comic Viz as the place where many of its cartoon strips are situated.


20. Chesney Hawkes, English singer songwriter


21. Sanipad, sanitary hospital bed linen also shorthand for sanitary pads

(Thanks to The Information Warrior's Handbook)

Irreverent Election Postscripts: America Overcomes "Crappiness"

A reader from Dublin points out this shrewd analysis from America's Finest Newspaper, The Onion:

WASHINGTON—After emerging victorious from one of the most pivotal elections in history, president-elect Barack Obama will assume the role of commander in chief on Jan. 20, shattering a racial barrier the United States is, at long last, shitty enough to overcome.

Although polls going into the final weeks of October showed Sen. Obama in the lead, it remained unclear whether the failing economy, dilapidated housing market, crumbling national infrastructure, health care crisis, energy crisis, and five-year-long disastrous war in Iraq had made the nation crappy enough to rise above 300 years of racial prejudice and make lasting change.

"Today the American people have made their voices heard, and they have said, 'Things are finally as terrible as we're willing to tolerate," said Obama, addressing a crowd of unemployed, uninsured, and debt-ridden supporters. "To elect a black man, in this country, and at this time—these last eight years must have really broken you."

Added Obama, "It's a great day for our nation."

Carrying a majority of the popular vote, Obama did especially well among women and young voters, who polls showed were particularly sensitive to the current climate of everything being fucked. Another contributing factor to Obama's victory, political experts said, may have been the growing number of Americans who, faced with the complete collapse of their country, were at last able to abandon their preconceptions and cast their vote for a progressive African-American.

Citizens with eyes, ears, and the ability to wake up and realize what truly matters in the end are also believed to have played a crucial role in Tuesday's election.

According to a CNN exit poll, 42 percent of voters said that the nation's financial woes had finally become frightening enough to eclipse such concerns as gay marriage, while 30 percent said that the relentless body count in Iraq was at last harrowing enough to outweigh long ideological debates over abortion. In addition, 28 percent of voters were reportedly too busy paying off medial bills, desperately trying not to lose their homes, or watching their futures disappear to dismiss Obama any longer.

"The election of our first African-American president truly shows how far we've come as a nation," said NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. "Just eight years ago, this moment would have been unthinkable. But finally we, as a country, have joined together, realized we've reached rock bottom, and for the first time voted for a candidate based on his policies rather than the color of his skin."

"Today Americans have grudgingly taken a giant leap forward," Williams continued. "And all it took was severe economic downturn, a bloody and unjust war in Iraq, terrorist attacks on lower Manhattan, nearly 2,000 deaths in New Orleans, and more than three centuries of frequently violent racial turmoil."

Said Williams, "The American people should be commended for their long-overdue courage."

Obama's victory is being called the most significant change in politics since the 1992 election, when a full-scale economic recession led voters to momentarily ignore the fact that candidate Bill Clinton had once smoked marijuana. While many believed things had once again reached an all-time low in 2004, the successful reelection of President George W. Bush—despite historically low approval ratings nationwide—proved that things were not quite shitty enough to challenge the already pretty shitty status quo.

"If Obama learned one thing from his predecessors, it's that timing means everything," said Dr. James Pung, a professor of political science at Princeton University. "Less than a decade ago, Al Gore made the crucial mistake of suggesting we should care about preserving the environment before it became unavoidably clear that global warming would kill us all, and in 2004, John Kerry cost himself the presidency by criticizing Bush's disastrous Iraq policy before everyone realized our invasion had become a complete and total quagmire."

"Obama had the foresight to run for president at a time when being an African-American was not as important to Americans as, say, the ability to clothe and feed their children," Pung continued. "An election like this only comes once, maybe twice, in a lifetime."

As we enter a new era of equality for all people, the election of Barack Obama will decidedly be a milestone in U.S. history, undeniable proof that Americans, when pushed to the very brink, are willing to look past outward appearances and judge a person by the quality of his character and strength of his record. So as long as that person is not a woman.

Best/Worst Election 2008 Videos: Fey-lin and Hillbilly Experts

I know, it's a specious link so I can salute The Goddess Who is Tina Fey, but another hat-tip to the video that elevated politcal satire and doomed Sarah Palin:



Meanwhile, at the opposite end of the spectrum, a trio of Kentucky voters assess Barack Obama:

[youtube]http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Szg9gwlbZZ4[/youtube]

Contrary to the rumours being spread, these are not my relatives.